Tooth & Nail

June 23rd, 2011 by Perfesser Deviant

Tooth & Nail   tooth and nail 01 81x120 sci fi reviews horror action Director: Mark Young
Writer
: Mark Young
Release Year
: 2007

Red Rover, Red Rover, You Got Blood All Over….

So, peak oil has peaked and mankind was unable to figure out what to do about it so the world went all West Virginia on us. Darwin (Robert Carradine) leads a group that doesn’t understand that survival of the fittest means, that they actually all need to work hard. The group – who dwell in a hospital – admit a new member, Neon (Rachel Miner). A current member – Viper (Michael Kelly) – leaves while pretty Dakota (Nicole DuPort) and Nova the “retard” (Emily Catherine Young) remain with the rest. Then, as is often the case with post-apocalyptic worlds, the lowlifes show up and bring their sharp things that they use for cutting and culling and even flensing.

Tooth & Nail   Tooth Nail title 300x168 sci fi reviews horror action (Spoilers follow…)

Tooth & Nail   Tooth Nail 2 300x168 sci fi reviews horror action

The stupid is strong with this one. Post-apocalyptic films aren’t known for being particularly thoughtful, but this one made me long for something Italian to bring the wit up a notch. Yes, really. It’s like a script written by someone who heard about Mad Max and wanted nothing more than to populate a script with stupid characters with stupid names like Ford, Torino, Yukon and Victoria. Worse than being stupid, the characters are pretty much bland copies of one another to the point that it might as well have been written for a bunch of Playboy centerfolds playing themselves. Watching Playboy centerfolds play with themselves would be even more preferable, then there would be at least some nudity to distract me from the lameness of the rest.

Tooth & Nail   Tooth Nail 1 300x168 sci fi reviews horror action So the pack of evil cannibal bastards are called the Rovers? That’s a stupid name, even for a dog. Oh, they all have dog names like Mongrel (Vinnie Jones) and Jackal (Michael Madsen)? That’s stupider still. I guess it’s supposed to show that they’re a bunch of violent evil dog-men or otherwise pretty wolfy in a world of tasty sheep. Yes, they’re cannibals too. The problem is that cannibals are the equivalent of nomadic hunters of the wilderness and would constantly have to be on the move to find more food. Eating humans doesn’t make much sense in a world that wasn’t destroyed by nukes or otherwise rendered barren as there are just too many other sources of food that wouldn’t require such risk. Cows aren’t usually armed, for example.

Tooth & Nail   Tooth Nail 3 300x168 sci fi reviews horror action This is a pretty slow film. I think it’s supposed to be atmospheric, but instead it plods along like a man with his scrotum sewn to his thighs. Beyond its slowness, the characters don’t even make much sense. Society has devolved into a chaotic maelstrom of savagery, barbarism and free markets, but everyone seems about as concerned as a troupe of teenage girls on their way to the mall. Securing food, water and shelter would be the number one priority of any people smarter than the average amoeba, but these people are about as sharp as one of my similes. No, instead they concentrate on arguing and having lots of angry sex. It’s like a college dorm.

Tooth & Nail   Tooth Nail 4 300x168 sci fi reviews horror action The worst part of this film is the thoroughly awful finale. After the Rovers grab Nova the “retard”, Dakota puts on her ‘Ramba’ face paint, grabs a compound bow and heads to the Rover’s doghouse. She easily kills everyone there in a sequence so anticlimactic that it’s like having an inverse orgasm. Finally, at the end, she tells the helpless Neon – so helpless that she can’t even Dodge – that Dakota injected all the corpses of her friends with tranquilizers so that the hungry Rovers would be neutered. Luckily for everyone, the tranquilizers that she used were tasteless and were left unaffected by being cooked when so many drugs would have been rendered inert. Top that off with a paragraph of stupid childish philosophizing over a montage that ends with a goofy laughing bastard, and you have a real dog of an ending.

 

Rating: Tooth & Nail   star sci fi reviews horror action Tooth & Nail   halfstar sci fi reviews horror action Tooth & Nail   blankstar sci fi reviews horror action Tooth & Nail   blankstar sci fi reviews horror action Tooth & Nail   blankstar sci fi reviews horror action

 

Trailer on IMDb.

 

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