Slaughtered Vomit Dolls

January 4th, 2009 by Perfesser Deviant

Slaughtered Vomit Dolls   svd011 79x120 horrorDirector: Lucifer Valentine
Writer: Lucifer Valentine
Release Year: 2006

What hath MTV wrought?

People have sex, throw up, and get killed. Yeah, that’s it really.

 

 

(Spoilers follow…)

In honor of Diet Resolution Week I present this film to help you no longer be hungry:

 

Slaughtered Vomit Dolls   svd title 300x212 horror

 

What can you expect from a film titled Slaughtered Vomit Dolls?

 

Slaughtered Vomit Dolls   svd 1 300x212 horror

What are you looking at?

Well, I would expect that there would be some slaughter of some kind. I would have preferred it to be a good, entertaining sort of slaughter rather than some ketchup and rubber, but that’s just me. I’d like it to have been filmed clearly enough that I could see the slaughter, like if the director had held the camera stable. I know the special-effects budget was fairly limited on this film as it was one of those independent efforts that people rave about – assuming they have no taste and a fever – but I think a tripod would have been a good idea. Hell, the next time he can borrow mine.

Slaughtered Vomit Dolls   svd 4 300x210 horror

He wants me to be thin AND have no gag reflex?!

I’d also expect there to be some vomit in the film and in this way this film doesn’t disappoint. There’s more vomit in this film than can be found in the average ball-pit at a fast food franchise that seems suspiciously like a national chain except that the people working behind the counter all have dripping infections all over their bodies. If I wanted to watch people vomit I’d hang out in a high school girl’s locker room more than I already do. Since I’ve been around a lot of drunken morons, I’ve seen people vomit more violently than anything these pathetic creatures can manage, so there’s no horror here for me.

 

Slaughtered Vomit Dolls   svd 2 300x211 horror

I can't believe I'm in this dumb movie!

Finally, I’d expect there to be dolls. This film featured no dolls and thus was the worst example of false advertising since William Fruet gave us Blue Monkey, a film that features a partial lack of blue and a total lack of monkeys. Films need more monkeys. I suppose the dolls could refer to the endless parade of skanky women who loll around on the floor and spew their foul innards juices everywhere. The thing is, these ‘dolls’ are a bunch of pasty, greasy-looking women who, while nude, are about as appealing as making candles from elderly people’s earwax.

Slaughtered Vomit Dolls   svd 3 300x210 horror

I'm pretty sure this isn't right.

Aside from all that, the film sucked. It was nothing more than a whole bunch of attempted shocking imagery filmed in that irritating MTV style that covers up the fact that there’s no coherence. As soon as an incoherent film appears it is followed by fawning worshipers who claim that it contains great depth. This film is easily comparable to the aftermath of any given fraternity party with fake blood taking the place for crude messages written on people with permanent markers. While one can see a bit of tragic beauty in terms of youth destroyed and wasted in a frat house with a puke-soaked carpet of hair, broken glass and discarded roofies bottles, most people who aren’t pretentious see only a mess. Here lies this film.

 

Rating: Slaughtered Vomit Dolls   star horrorSlaughtered Vomit Dolls   blankstar horrorSlaughtered Vomit Dolls   blankstar horrorSlaughtered Vomit Dolls   blankstar horrorSlaughtered Vomit Dolls   blankstar horror

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