Director: Max Von Diesel
Writers: Clancy Fitzsimmons, Bruce G. Hallenbeck & Max Von Diesel with story help from Helen Black, John Bacchus & Michael Beckerman
Release Year: 2004

Drain them … wet?

Willamina Van Helsing (Erika Smith) is enlisted by her dead Uncle Abe Van Helsing (Bob MacKay) to slay Dracula’s daughter, Countess Dracula (Darian Caine). Since Willamina is completely unable to defeat the Countess, instead she allies with her in a move so diabolically intelligent and calculated that I’m certain she planned it in advance rather than it being the result of poor writers using it as a way to show a lot of women doing things to other women. After all, Seduction Cinema has standards….

(Spoilers follow…)

I don’t know why I watch these movies. All they consist of is stupid comedy and scene after scene of women using fingers and mouths on each other’s moist and / or pink parts accompanied by more gasping than one would encounter at an asthmatics convention. Actually, did you hear about the unfortunate lesbian asthmatic? She could only catch her breath in snatches. Poor dear. So yes, these films have nothing to offer other than lame movie-making with a bunch of naked women squirming around with each other while the moaning continues. Oh right, that’s exactly why I watch these.

This film does have a nice variation on the old ‘lesbian vampire’ trope in that the only reason that the Countess wants lesbians is because they’re the only adult women who are likely to be virgins. Now, anyone who’s spent any time around actual lesbians know that many of them have tried men and found us lacking – cue other man-bashing jokes – but at least now you know not to try the mom’s favorite “how do you know you won’t like it until you try it” line or she’s likely to sneer at you in such a way that your testicles will retreat so far into your body that it will require surgery or Judo to return them to their proper place. A public service message.

When it comes to the comedy, this one is less sophisticated than a child who has just learned the word ‘poo’. Not that jokes that revolve around the sophomoric favorites that are scatological, sexual or both are always bad. Well, they are usually bad. This time they’re bad. Very bad. For example, there’s that joke about Mr. Conservative (Bennigan Feeney) and Mrs. Conservative (Caitlin Ross) who decide to do it and show up dressed as an adult baby and a dominatrix respectively. Ha ha ha. Those conservatives are always into weird fetish sex, am I right or am I right? Yes, you rarely see this level of quality political discourse outside the internet.

The various women who show us that they’re proud of their bodies are A. J. Khan, Isadora Edison, Andrea Davis, Tatiana Stone, Jessica Abbott, Tracy Rose, Misty Mundae. Barbi Leigh, Katrina Raey, and Angel Marie. I’m not going to say that you’re a sad individual if you recognize a lot of these names – I have a signed poster of Misty Mundae – because that would be judgmental and wrong.

Very wrong.

Even if it’s true.

And it is true.

Very true.

True true true true.

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