Bring out the monkeys!
Postal Dude (Zack Ward) needs money to support his horribly wife ‘Bitch’ (Jodie Stewart) and so teams up with his uncle Dave (Dave Foley) and his cult to steal a bunch of Krotchy dolls before the Taliban can. Yeah.
So it turns out that the Krotchy dolls that everyone is so interested in carry vials of a bioweapon that the Taliban – led by Osama bin Laden (Larry Thomas) – wants to destroy the United States and Uncle Dave cultist Richard (Chris Coppola) wants to bring about the apocalypse to make Dave’s prophesies come true. The Postal Dude is trapped between these two fanatical organizations as well as being sought by corrupt cops John (Ralf Moeller) and Greg (Chris Spencer), for reasons that are not especially well-explained but irrelevant anyway. So the plot crawls forward as Postal Dude finds love in the form of a coffee shop girl named Faith (Jackie Tohn) which is symbolic of him coming to terms with his lost faith in humanity. I’m only kidding about that, there’s no symbolism or subtlety whatsoever in this film. The fact that, despite all Postal Dude’s efforts, the apocalypse comes anyway in the form of a nucular … I’m sorry … a ‘nuclear’ bombardment only shows that Uwe Boll uses this film to expound on his nihilistic, yet still cynical, view of humanity. Nope, kidding again, there’s nothing even remotely meaningful in this film.
The plot of this film is nothing more than an excuse for a lot of violence and stupid comedy, not that I’m complaining mind you, but the film doesn’t offer much more than that. Like the video game this is based on, the comedy comes from the extremely politically incorrect material that is supposed to make us laugh heartily at the outrageousness. The problem is that the film really isn’t that funny, all the best scenes are in the trailer making this the biggest disappointment since Jesus said he’d be back soon. While watching someone use a cat as a silencer or the antics of a character called “Abdul the Retarded Taliban” (Derek Anderson) is as amusing as could be inferred from his name – that is, not much – the rest of the film isn’t even up to that level. Mostly Uwe Boll tries to get by on jokes that might have been funny about five years ago, but topical humor has a very short shelf-life and Taliban jokes, George W. Bush (Brent Mendenhall) jokes, and Brokeback Mountain references are so five minutes ago. I mean, I find Verne Troyer as funny as the next person, and the idea that he would be raped by a thousand monkeys does amuse me, but that’s not enough to carry the film. It’s really too bad since the video game actually is a lot of fun as far as shooting civilians go.
Since this is a video game adaptation, it means it would be required to be done by Uwe Boll or Paul W.S. Anderson, and since this one is stupid it leaves it for Boll. The game itself is a poorly-coded mess that makes use of every controversial point possible to offend the normal people and amuse the irreverent, not that I’m complaining about that either. The problem of a good translation of a video game to a film is one that has, as far as I know, never been accomplished since films and video games, while both entertainment, both entertain in fundamentally different ways, one passive and the other active. This means that most films based on video games have a surfeit of action at the expense of anything like the plot in the original, this is required because most video games are solo entertainment and a single protagonist without supporting characters does not work especially well. The problem with this film is not the change from a single character focus to an ensemble film – that works fine since there is so much material to work with – but the problem is that the film leaves out the really mean-spirited stuff that was a part of the game. There’s nothing as amusing as shooting civilians while in a police uniform only to have the police say “Watch it man, you’ll lose your pension”, there’s a certain cynicism there that the film leaves by the wayside. What I find amusing about that is that Boll, for all his puffery about making the most controversial film ever (where have I heard that before?), has made an emasculated shadow of a stupid game. That sucks!
The characters in this film exist only to be victims of each other or behave like asses, which I’m sure is Uwe Boll‘s comment on humanity in general. Just kidding again, I keep fooling you like there’s no tomorrow don’t I? I’m that slick. Anyway, people wander in and out of the story staying long enough to get shot or whatever, but that does give us a chance for a bunch of cameos. On the street corner we have Candidate Wells (J.K. Simmons) who talks about the conspiracies of the evil government with all the sophistication I’ve come to expect from people who howl from street corners. Michael Paré makes an appearance as an aggressive panhandler which, considering the roles he’s been taking lately, might not be that far from his future role in real life. Seymour Cassel hams it up as an old man talking about how fun it is to have sex with a morbidly obese woman, for those of you who don’t know, it’s way hotter than sex with a skinny woman. Finally, Uwe Boll shows that he has a sense of humor by playing himself as a horrible man who pays for things with Nazi gold and lusts after children. He even admits something that we’ve all suspected for a very long time: he hates video games. That final bit of information clears up the reason that everything that Uwe Boll has made sucks, he hates his work. At least this time he had the courtesy to have Vince Desiderio, executive producer of the game, and the film, appear to complain about the treatment his work suffered at Boll‘s hands.
I have no pity for him, I reserve all the pity for myself.
The Original Game:
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