About yellow snow and a pink alien
A group of filmmakers set out to some remote cabins in the mountains to shoot an adult movie. Their shooting schedule will soon be seriously disrupted when they find themselves under attack by an alien entity, in the form of… Ron Jeremy‘s detached penis.
I’m sure those Fields fellows must have thought that there would be no way that a pitch like this was never going to sell. And they were right, because indeed, they got their film made. But how much of an idiot does one have to be to come up with a plot this retarded? An idiot with balls, would be one possibility, because it must take some form of guts to confidently announce people you’re going to make a film about a killer monster-penis wreaking havoc on the set of a porn movie. Unfortunately, One Eyed Monster turned out to be a film lacking any form of testicles itself. So where did it go wrong? Simply put, there’s not enough nudity and there’s not enough gore. What else would we want to see in a movie with this premise.
This doesn’t mean that there’s no fun to be had with One Eyed Monster, just be prepared to enter a new level of ridiculousness and endure humor too stupid for words. It’s pretty amazing that the Fields fellows really got Ron Jeremy on board of this project, since I can’t imagine the guy ever having acted in a “straight” movie before. And if he would have turned down the part, they simply wouldn’t have had a movie to make. For the uninitiated: If you only saw one porn movie in your whole life, there’s a big fat chance you saw Ron Jeremy in it. The man practically is a living porn legend and basically has the looks of a guy only a mother could love. That’s not to say Ron is in this movie for very long, though. Pretty early in the film, during two takes of a hardcore scene, Jeremy goes outside to take a pee in the snow. A comet flies over. An alien entity blasts out straight into Ron‘s dick (maybe his piss was a good conductor?). He dies and his penis lives on, ready to be the star of the rest of the movie.
As mentioned before, One Eyed Monster lacks a few things. Only one actress really shows her naked boobs () and only two death-scenes are actually memorable. The rest of the movie is filled with silly inside-jokes towards the adult-movie industry and all the clichés of your average cross between a creature feature and a slasher flick. So, as a parody on the monster genre it’s a pretty flat dud. And above all, we never get a good look at the penis-creature until the end of the movie (which also lacks a decent climax, no pun intended). Plus, the damn thing really could have used some extra juice. It’s not a mutated snake-monstrosity or anything, but just… a cut-off dick (albeit a pretty long one). Made out of rubber, of course. No animatronics, even. So much for those fun special effects I was anticipating.
Still, One Eyed Monster is easy to sit through. It’s a short movie, time flies by and it doesn’t look all that bad, even for a very low budget production. After a while, your brain is dumbed down enough you can even crank out a smile whenever a silly one-liner comes along. And there’s a couple more things that help. It was nice seeing Amber Benson again, whome I hadn’t seen on screen anymore since the 6th season of. A bit embarrassing for her, perhaps, that we got to finally meet her again in a movie about Ron Jeremy‘s killer-poophole-filler, but still, she looked as cute & beautiful as ever.
And now, coming down to the absolute main attraction of this adorable stinkpile of a movie: Mister Charles Napier in a downright delicious cameo. And kudos to the Fields fellows for getting at least one thing right: When you can afford a cult actor for about only one day on your set, you better make damn sure his small role is at least memorable enough. And for what it’s worth, Napier wasn’t wasted on this one (regardless his limited screen-time). He plays Mohtz, a war-veteran living up in the mountains, who just happens to show up at the cabins. He doesn’t succeed much in helping the survivors kill the critter, but he does get to tell a kick-ass war story. Truly a priceless moment in a rather worthless movie.
One Eyed Monster is an okay flick to throw in between a bunch of others while having a movie-night with some friends, pizza and beer. But that’s to be expected. I would have preferred seeing One Eyed Monster at least try to go beyond those expectations, but alas.
Go to the movie’s official website and check out the ‘Parody Poster Art’ gallery. As a teaser, here’s one for The Exorcist: