August 5th, 2010 by Perfesser Deviant

Escalofrio   Satan’s Blood poster 84x120 reviews horror Director: Carlos Puerto
: Carlos Puerto
Release Year
: 1978
English aka-title:
Satan’s Blood

Of course we’ll come with you strangers.

Married couple Andy (José María Guillén) and Ana (Mariana Karr) with their dog are out for a drive when another couple – Bruno (Ángel Aranda) and Berta (Sandra Alberti) – see them and call them over. It seems that Andy and Bruno went to college together, although Bruno is unfamiliar to Andy and Bruno’s story is a little inconsistent. Never a couple of bright lights, Andy and Ana follow these two creepy virtual strangers out into the middle of nowhere for a visit….

(Spoilers follow…)

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After a lifetime of watching horror films, there’s no way in hell that I would follow someone I didn’t know out to the middle of nowhere for a chat. That’s so incredibly stupid that I have to conclude that Andy went to Stupid University. So the couple, like lambs to the slaughter are nice and isolated while the couple they’re visiting become weirder and weirder. First it’s little things, like their dog vanishing, then it becomes evident that there’s really something not right when the couples have oily group sex by firelight while invoking Satan. This turn of events doesn’t tip Andy off that something’s wrong, but Stupid University can only do so much, he must be congenitally stupid. We’re talking IQ of zero here folks. Usually, a wife is about twice as smart as her husband – face it guys, we’re dumb as bricks – but the problem with having a husband with an IQ of zero is that doubling zero is still zero so she’s got the same bag of hammers intellect that infests her husband.

Escalofrio   Escalofrío 2 300x168 reviews horror

Four-way fingering.

Now that the stupid is dealt with, the Satanism of the film seems to be the creepy kind where the people are friendly at first, then they start drinking blood and forcing you to participate; actually, it’s a lot like living in a Catholic neighborhood. What seems to be unclear – aside from much of the plot – is why the evil couple wants to get the stupid couple alone, then allow them to escape only to stab them to death next door to their own apartment. Perhaps this particular group of Satanists require that all unholy couples who have first names which begin with the same letter are especially desirable – something we should all keep in mind before marrying – or perhaps they just needed some stupid people for some purpose.

Escalofrio   Escalofrío 1 300x168 reviews horror

Your fall knocked these all out of whack.

The main point of Satanism in this film seems to be having lots of sex, oiling people up, then stabbing them. While some people pay for such treatment – though it usually requires leather as well – most of us would be fine with it so long as the stabbing was kept as a metaphor for sexual congress. Of course, none of us would actually want a sexual Congress as they’d get even less done and most of them are hideous lizard people controlled by the evil Jewish conspiracy from the planet – now dwarf planet – Yuggoth, but that goes without saying … despite me saying it. So yes, now we’re all on the same page.

The acting, direction, cinematography, hot naked people, dead dogs and confusing plot development all come together to form something that’s very much like a car wreck with naked, oiled people worshiping Satan in the midst of the twisted metal; not an uncommon sight in San Francisco, but the rest of you might have to use your imagination. Oh, years of watching television has destroyed your imagination? So sad. You should watch David Cronenbergs Crash to see how hot car wrecks can be.

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One well-hung dog.

Seriously though, this seems to be a version of Rosemary’s Baby or something similar that includes all the sex and violence that the evil William Castle forced the evil Roman Polanski to remove from the finished product. Maybe if Roman Polanski had been Italian like his name falsely advertises, he would have made a film like this … in Spain. Oh well, despite the substantial amount of stupid that went into the production, the film is pretty damned entertaining and is something that all fans of oily naked people should definitely check out. Oh yeah, there’s some eerie stuff too, but it’s mostly the nakedness.

Rating: Escalofrio   star reviews horror Escalofrio   star reviews horror Escalofrio   star reviews horror Escalofrio   halfstar reviews horror Escalofrio   blankstar reviews horror


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