One boobie, two boobies, four boobies, six boobies, eight…
The fearless warrior Deathstalker (Richard Hill), defender of all women who expose their breasts, sets off on a quest to obtain three ancient relics with magical powers. The evil magician Munkar (Bernard Erhard) pretty much wants the same, only he cares a bit less about topless women and more about, well, uhm, doing evil things. Naturally, there’s also a princess held captive which the mighty Deathstalker has to save.
Man, this movie… What can I say…? The opening-scene, maybe? We see a bunch of mongoloid barbarians with bad make-up jump off the walls of some ruins. They sneak around and attack some dude with a scantily clothed captive girl. The dude runs off, the mongoloids follow him and one of them stays behind seemingly to rape the girl, but instead he exposes one of her breasts and kidnaps her. Then, the dude (still on the run) sees a horse and tries to steal it. Suddenly… a blond god-like looking hero with a bad wig appears, saying “That’s my horse!”. The mighty Deathstalker just made his appearance. The mongoloids arrive, Deathstalker kills all of them (including the dude) on the tunes of some rather inappropriate Mexicanos western score (this is supposed to be a Swords & Sorcery flick, so what’s with the ‘arriba-trompettos’?), and then goes up to Captive Girl and exposes both her breasts. He starts to rub them and Captive Girl seems to like it. She starts licking her lips and caressing Deathstalker. Just when they are about to get down to it, this old geezer appears, interrupting what could have been the end of a perfect day for Deathstalker (and a possible perfect ending for this film).
Now tell me… Isn’t that the point where either a feminist would angrily switch off the movie, or any other male viewer would say “This is going to be one hell of a good movie!”? The plot is as simple as throwing a kitten from the balcony: Deathstalker must obtain the Sword of Justice and use it to steal the Amulet of Life and the Chalice of Magic from the evil sorcerer Munkar.
Aside from decapitations, dismemberment, random bloodshed, retarded fist fights and embarrassing sword fights, this film also contains a massive amount of tits & ass. I initially wanted to add one extra point to this movie for each gratuitous shot of naked boobies I could count. After 9 points (not even halfway into the movie), I had to give up counting. It was distracting me from the rest of the movie. And the rest of the movie was worth it. Totally crazy stuff. Check out this mutant cat/worm-like creature Munkar has as a pet and which he feeds eyeballs and fingers. And here’s an interesting question: What would you do if a man in a woman’s body would enter your bedroom and tries to kill you with a knife? The answer is simple: You slap her around a bit, take away the knife and then you continue to rape her. Then you discover that she’s actually not a woman but a man, so you throw him out of your bed and tell him to leave your room. It works out well, I tell you. Deathstalker does it too, and the Deathstalker-way, is the right way!
Let it be known that ‘Deathstalker’ is a wonderful movie, really. The villains are vile. The women are delicious. There’s blood, sex, violence, rape and tasty chicken. There’s a completely pointless tournament which just features a bunch of barbarians beating, slashing and hacking the crap out of each other. My favorite weapon used in that tournament was a giant wooden hammer, used to beat a poor contender to bloody pulp. And my favorite contender undoubtedly was that one brute with the Warthog-head (reminiscent of the Gamorrean Guards from ‘Return Of The Jedi’). I won’t reveal how the movie ends, but just prepare to ravish in delight when I tell you a 4-way dismemberment is thrown into the movie’s climax.
And of course, there’s a wonderful display of ineptitude throughout the whole movie. See a guy being dragged behind a horse over a dirt road, and the next point-of-view shot shows him being dragged over grass (no road). See that awesome tattoo on the sorcerer’s head magically change sides within the same scene (one shot has it on the left side of his head, the other on the right). Well, after all, Munkar is a magician and he knows a couple tricks. It’s that, or this movie was shot in an alternate universe where things like “continuity” simply don’t exist.
‘Deathstalker’ is a superbly fun, trashy & sleazy ‘Conan’ rip-off. It’s also a pretty abominable movie. Produced by Roger Corman and with cheesy special effects by John Carl Buechler, you just know you can’t miss out on this one.
Trailer on YouTube.