Deadly Weapons

March 7th, 2013 by Coventry

Deadly Weapons   DW dvd R2 84x120 reviews drama Director: Doris Wishman
Writer:
Judy J. Kushner
Release Year:
1974

Deadly Weapons   Offscreen 2013 minilogo reviews drama Victim: Male, Caucasian. Cause of Death: Suffocation by FF-watermelons.

This film stars Chesty Morgan, just so you know. When mobsters kill Crystal’s (Chesty Morgan) boyfriend, she swears to take revenge. She’s got two big weapons. And she’s not afraid to use them.

(You know what it’s about, so nothing that follows could possibly spoil this film…)

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‘Deadly Weapons’, along with its sequel/cash-in ‘Double Agent 73′, is pretty much the absolute lowest type of cinema, yet there isn’t a single exploitation or cult freak out there that can afford him or herself to miss it. Go figure! This is an awful, awful movie that makes the repertoire of such questionable directors like Edward D. Wood, Bill Rebane or Andy Milligan look like genuine masterpieces. But ‘Deadly Weapons’ is definitely a curiosity to have in your collection and it’s undeniably entertaining. Just because it’s so inept.

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Even the world’s biggest bonehead knows that everything exclusively centers on Chesty Morgan‘s extremely over-sized (and terribly un-sexy) balcony, yet director Doris Wishman somehow attempts to make her film look like an emotional and involving revenge/drama. This makes ‘Deadly Weapons’ even worse and a lot more pathetic than its successor ‘Double Agent 73′. At least that movie openly portrayed Chesty as a cheap sleaze-object and even had her jugs function as spy cameras! In ‘Deadly Weapons’, they want us to believe her character Crystal is a tender, good-hearted and moreover intelligent woman (at one point it’s mentioned she’s the successful manager of an advertisement agency; needless to say that with her dubious acting talents she’s having a hard time convincing us of all this). She’s devastated over the death of her thug-boyfriend and on a mission to avenge him. While overhearing a conversation between the two petty criminals that killed her lover Larry (one of them is Harry Reems!), she promptly decides to kill them. Crystal uses her charm (?) to seduce them and her humongous breasts to suffocate them. Just when she thinks justice prevailed, poor little Crystal faces the ultimate disappointment…

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This motion picture can only be described as a total and utter travesty, albeit a fun one. Even though it only runs for a good 75 minutes, half of the film is pure padding (Chesty taking an extended bath, Chesty sleeping naked, some random girl swimming naked…) and totally lacks direction and acting talent. This is more than just “bad 70′s cinema”… This is an oddity that needs to be seen to be believed. Don’t allow my 1/10 rating to put you off of seeing it.


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Attend the midnight screening of ‘Deadly Weapons’ (in a Double D Bill with Russ Meyer’s ‘Supervixens’) during Offscreen Film Festival, on the 8th of March 2013 at Cinema Nova, Brussels.

 

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