When Bigfoot Indian mummies attack.
A professor and a gaggle of students head out into the mountains for some learning about Indians. Instead they find a cave that contains a mummy, which they, against all standards of archeology, remove to a woodshed. The mummy’s not dead though, or maybe it is, and rises up and slays….
This is a film in three parts: the classroom, the Bigfoot story, and the mummy story. In the classroom, the teacher shows his class a lame-o horror film to get their juices going, then shuts it off before the kill is completed; this is the cinematic equivalent of intentionally giving blue balls. Blue balls are a very serious condition and is not something to trifle with ladies. That means, if you arouse a man and then don’t have sex with him, you could cause him to die of semen backing up through his spinal column and spending hours trying to fertilize his brain, which makes him think of sex all the more. This will eventually cause pressure to build up which will blow the top of his head off – known in the vulgar argot as “blowing your mind” – unless he is fortunate enough to be a dickhead, then pressure can be released through his upper glans, serving double duty as hair gel. That’s one way to tell if a guy’s a dickhead: if his hair is unusually heavily product’d. So ladies, remember, if a man wants to have sex with you, it’s required for his health so long as he’s not a dickhead. You might wonder what this has to do with the film – well, those of you still bothering to read this – but I’ll have to admit that the first part is shorter than the square root of an Irishman’s temper.
The Bigfoot story seems to be the result of a filmmaker recycling a previous film. One of the actors is in it as a younger man – I don’t care which one – and this links the half-hour of footage to the new project. There’s not much to say, except that the film uses a lot of shots of men clearing forests with heavy equipment, the resulting logs upthrusting and bare like the chief attraction after a bris. I’ve noticed that this review is filled with dick jokes, much like a woman with a boyfriend whose suffers from micropenis syndrome…. Damn it!
Of course, she wouldn’t really be ‘filled’ now would she?
The main thrust … the point … the bulk of the film is the story of the American Indian Mummy who, upon being released from his cave, immediately attempts to start a casino. Of course, you all know that “start a casino” is a euphemism for – no, not for penises – killing a bunch of hapless amateur actors. The main method used by the mummy, who looks more like a Bigfoot than an Indian, unless that Indian had rickets, is to walk off-screen. This is a welcome change from actually seeing events occur in a film and I hope that other filmmakers learn that scary is not what we see, but what we imagine occurred. The shag rug – I mean, the monster – is eventually slain when someone ignites it – and some of the surrounding countryside – and it burns, gently flailing its arms until the lines holding them up burn through.
Needless to say, this is the finest made-for-television movie ever done on the topic of a mummy Bigfoot attacking students. A must-see for those who share my taste. Both of you.
Trailer on YouTube.