Croc vs. shark, which is the bigger cliché?
Some surfers and a television crew go out to Palm Island – actually, the Philippines – to chum up the waters and then surf with sharks. Instead they find a giant salt-water crocodile and a bunch of characters left over from Jaws….
The heroic couple, American dude Bog Hall (Dax Miller) and Aussie chick Cecily (Kate Fischer) start the film with her refusing to give him the time of day, possibly because his name sounds like Oz slang for a communal toilet; or else because she’s in love with sleazy producer Zack Jardine (Matt Borlenghi). Of course, any time in a movie a woman strongly dislikes a man she will eventually have to come around, despite the restraining order. Even if she’s in another relationship, especially if the guy’s a jerkoff; jerkoffs attract death anyway. Otherwise the audience will get annoyed because, if there’s anything we like, it’s clichés. Speaking of clichés, Bog has to rescue her a few times before she comes around, but there’s really no reason to bother since she’s wearing a tank-top. Tank-tops in horror movies – aside from showing off a woman’s nipples and other important features – render a woman immortal. At least by the end they’ve been shaken by the experience of having several people they know get eaten by a giant croc, except that they immediately giggle and probably begin doing filthy things with one another as soon as the camera is safely away; this is to protect us from seeing Aussie breasts, an experience that can warp a man into thinking that Yahoo Serious is funny … athough, I did laugh quite a bit at the stupidity that was Young Einstein … damn!
Speaking of clichés, the Lofranco family – father Sonny (Chris Vertido), mother Melba (Susan Africa), and daughter Lemmya (Maureen Larrazabal) – agree to take the crew out to the island, forgetting that they’re minorities in a horror film filled with Caucasians. Sonny and Melba enjoy a sunny afternoon of being paid to sit around and have a good time, until Sonny realizes that there’s a problem with Melba swimming in shark-infested waters and gets her back on the boat so that he can fall off himself. Melba hides in the boat, but the crocodile will have none of that and, completely contrary to its nature, sinks the boat to enjoy the fleshy center; Melba is, thus, toast. In the meantime, the blond surfer dude Jeremy (Joel West) takes the young Lemmya out to a secluded spot to indulge in a bit of underage condom-free sex-tourism complete with bouncing breasts. Fortunately for Jeremy, before Lemmya can alert the authorities about his small penis and predatory nature, she’s eaten by the crocodile; as are a bunch of Filipino pirates, who seem to exist only to pad out the running time and provide some comic relief. Unfortunately for the crackers in the cast, Asian food just isn’t filling and the croc soon hungers again.
John Dirks (Duncan Regehr) gets the crazed captain Quint role in this flick as he lost his wife or something to a crazed great white … I mean, sea crocodile. Despite his misgivings about visiting the island, he tells the Lofrancos how to get there. Luckily he’s wracked with guilt and so follows when he can’t get a hold of the Lofrancos and so takes his less-well-racked slave girl Artemis (Tara Reif) and heads out. Apparently, Dirks won Artemis in a darts game and has treated her really well even though he interrupts her sexy dance and has rough sex with her while she’s bent over a dock; women hate rough, passionate sex as I understand. In addition to the sex, Dirks like to drink hard, get blond surfer boys killed and then blow himself up in a tribute to Captain Ahab that would be more impressive if it wasn’t obvious that the croc and the boat are both toys. He chooses not to blow up the hot piece of ass that is Artemis, but he doesn’t succeed because she’s stupid enough to push her luck.
The croc is of the saltwater variety, the great white sharks of crocodiles except they actually do kill a lot of people each year. The problem with making a saltwater croc – also known as “salties” – a villain of a film is the problem that they really aren’t very active animals. They tend to hang around in one place so that they can take prey by surprise and, with their slow metabolisms, they don’t really need to eat very often. They certainly would see no need to pursue prey over a long distance, especially since most prey is faster than they are over a long distance. This particular croc, gigantic as it is, would be a lot more menacing if it was not a bad plastic model in some scenes, or a stop motion beastie in others. The effects are about on-par with those in The Land of the Lost. Except that Sleestak actually are scary.
Oh well, at least the film has goofiness and tits.